by Cate Russell-Cole
8/16/2007 / Relationships
All couples have issues they will always struggle with, but having
conflicts doesn't mean there are problems or that they are on rocky
ground destined to end in the divorce courts. It is the attitudes that
matter. According to Dr John Gottman from "The Love Lab," the way a
couple fights is a good predictor of whether they will stay together or
split. If critical, defensive, withdrawing you have problems. If use
humour, show affection for one another even in tense times and
acknowledge the other's point of view, then can work through the tough
times and remain a couple. Keeping a sweet spirit is the key: not
blaming each other, looking out for each other's interests, honest but
kind communication. Not retreating from issues, but working through
them fairly. It is loss of love and connection, especially
communication and the intimacy of sharing aspects of your life in a
safe setting that breaks up most couples, not whether the cap is left
off the toothpaste, or her constant obsession with keeping the house
clean.
Other factors which lead to divorce are whirlwind romances
where the
courtship isn't long enough to last past the first euphoria, and life
time decisions are made when passion is on a high. When the passion
subsides with everyday life's demands, as it will, the relationship
quickly fails. Great romances are hard to maintain, especially if there
has never been a chance to come down to earth and deal with difficult
and concrete problems before the vows are exchanged. Marital bliss
based on an idealised view of a partner not fully known is not a solid
base, and impossible to maintain. Romantic love can
 |
blossom
into mature
love, a steadfast love and caring if there is a basis of friendship and
respect. Getting together because he is everything you have ever
wanted, or because you have needs he/she seems to meet are not a secure
bedrock on which to build a lifetime of shared companionship. Looking
only at needs met can lead to selfishness, and when Mr Right proves to
be Mr Normal, love can quickly die as the truth of who you really
married becomes apparent in the clear light of day.
Build a partnership through trust, learning to balance needs
for
interdependence and dependence (own identity and don't become a
doormat), and by learning to resolve conflicts and handle the changes
that come along. (Crisis pulls you closer together rather than rips you
apart.) Good choices made over a period of getting to know each other
(which does not include living together, couples who live together then
get marries are more divorce prone than couples who haven't
statistically) and knowing what you want and what you are prepared to
give is essential when deciding who to marry. You need to know who you
are, be confident in your own strengths and abilities, and know who
your partner really is and what she/he really wants. In joining
together you are also affected by your spouse's problems, and if you
can barely handle your own, consider how well you will do with the
additional load of concerns which will affect you both.
Love
can change, grow and mature into something lasting and wonderful.
It will never look like Hollywood, but the quality can be better than
anything any Movie Producer ever imagined.
Copyright Cate Russell-Cole 2007. Please contact
Cate at virtual_desk@yahoo.com.au
for permission to re-use her work.
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